I recently decided to re-organise my personal art folder, taking out and storing all my old art. I stashed it along with my really old stuff that has never seen the light of day on here, and it never will, because it was embarrassing crap fuelled by the over-active and un-refined imagination of a 13 year old. I had a few laughs and felt good looking forward to the future, comparing how good I am now to the past.
A few days later I commented on a Journal
had added to their group. The Journal,
Lightly amused by the DA porn sinners.... was talking about the abuse they get from people when they remind them of the rules regarding nudity on here. They wrote a list of rebuffs against arguments people throw at them, including these two:
"-I am not scared of penises, sex, female genitalia or sexually explicit images.
-I am perfectly happy with the size of my own penis, sexual orientation etc and I do not get envious over other men's penises."
Those struck a chord with me and I wrote the following:
"MidnightDarkness666 Featured By Owner 5 days ago Hobbyist Traditional Artist -I am not scared of penises, sex, female genitalia or sexually explicit images.
-I am perfectly happy with the size of my own penis, sexual orientation etc and I do not get envious over other men's penises.
These two really get me. The idea that if you don't like seeing pornographic or degrading images of people you are somehow repressed, frigid or scared of sexuality is ludicrous!"
Now if you read it carefully, I am agreeing with the writer that people who try and accuse him of those are stupid. However, the author did not do so. He took it to mean the opposite and left this little comment on my profile before blocking me from replying:
"
Gaelic-nautilus Featured By Owner 3 days ago Hobbyist Photographer
Before you criticize other users in such a distasteful and personal manner, you should at least have the decency and humility to submit quality deviations yourself. From what I've seen you have nothing interesting or unique."
Yeah thanks guy, as if I already didn't know that, no need to rub salt in my wounds! I was originally going to put all my old stuff in Scraps, or a folder named "Old Stuff", but this has taught me, that they just make me look stupid and are better off deleted. So I have done so, not that anyone will notice.
Looking at it now it isn't very clear but hey that's what I get for having Autism amiright? SHOOT ME. The misunderstanding makes it even more hurtful, I wanted to tell him I agreed with him and that if he read that comment closer he'd see that. But he's blocked me. Its so bad I sobbed myself to sleep last night.
I would reach out to you all to approach him on my behalf, but that would just be pathetic and whiny on my part. Who am I kidding anyways? I know no one will read this, everyone who added me probably did it on impulse and forgot they did so in the first place. So I guess I'm just venting on the off chance someone will take notice.
Who would blame them? I update once in an age because I obsess over getting every little detail right and I don't have a graphics tablet to cut down on time. Last night when I went to draw I spent the whole time re-drawing a shoulder over and over because I couldn't get it to look right. I can see these things in my head and they look great, but when I go to put them on paper I struggle to transmit them from my mind to the page. It's the same with writing, one of the reasons I hadn't updated one of my fanfics was because I couldn't find the right words to convey what I felt in my head. I've always had that problem, learning support at Primary School spotted it back when I was misdiagnosed as dyslexic. Its so frustrating to have it up there but fail at articulating it. It causes me no end of Academic problems because my ideas are A, my writing is C.
When I think about it this whole fiasco is just par for the course for me on DA. Deviant Art has been more of a curse for me. When I joined I was opened up to a world where everyone is so much better than me, everywhere I turn. I also saw the limitless possibilities of drawing with a Graphics tablet, but have never been able to have one. Even in the un-discovered section I see more brilliance than I have shown thus far. I come up with great ideas and drawings I'm really proud of, but when I upload them here all I get is silence; no one notices. Whenever I see this meme:
by
I get intensely jealous and feel hopelessly inadequate. Look how good she was at 13! At 15 she dismisses her stuff as just being "rather emo". Compared to that, even my current drawings are nothing but fecal matter.
In short I'm ashamed of what I've drawn in the past, upset about my current ability, frustrated at my power to articulate what I see in my head, depressed because no one favourites or comments on my stuff, I think I suck compared to everyone else and wonder why I even bother anymore.